"I am leaving my company to work for a startup."

"Quitting my job to travel."

"Moving across country to be with him."

"Leaving my girlfriend for her."

Risk.  We want what is on the other side of the mountain while refusing to leave the comforts of our own home.   What is worse is when we are willing to venture out into the world, we are still filled with doubt.  Doubt that what we are moving towards is worth it.  This doubt coupled with our friends' efforts to protect us from hurting ourselves makes the journey that much harder.

At the end of the day, the path towards love and greatness must be traveled alone.  Only you know the love you feel and only you know the greatness you seek.  Others can and will always try to empathize, but your life is not theirs to live.   

I don't know the answers.  I don't know where we are going. But I am willing to take the risks.  

I believe the hardest thing we will ever do is to leave what we know is good in hope for what is great.

I love my father as you probably love yours.  I can overcome mountains and take on whatever the world can throw at me, but I cannot handle one thing.   My father's death.   

My father has told me recently, "I will always worry about you. That is what Fathers do.  I will worry about you even after I die."

...

Love.  Pure sacrifice.  I feel his love towards me.   My car got stolen again.   Third time this year.   I have no idea why, but there is something about an Acura TL that is so seductive that every robber wants to get.   I came home today tired from another 11 hour work day.   I told my father to go hang out and spend time with his friends.  He said, "What am I suppose to do? Walk?!?"

His words hurt.  I had borrowed his car for work as in prior incidents when my car gets stolen.   He thought about me first before he even thought about himself.   He wanted me to go out and have fun before his own plans.  This is love.

I love my Father.   He means to the world to me.  I hope I can become half the man He is one day.   

Peace is truly hard to find between people.  Not the peace of cordiality or not fighting, but when two people can enter each other's space and simply become one.

Imagine you are lake and when ever you friends come to visit you, they toss a stone into it.   With someone you are so intimate with,  you never have to change.  Their presence does not disrupt you in any way.   You can continue to do whatever you are doing with their presence or not.  You flow in and out of each other's presence with such ease that it seems you are hanging out with yourself and loving every moment of it.

This can be only had between two delicate souls that have chose to intertwine or just so happen to beat at the same frequency.  

However, the rest of the world,  when they enter into our worlds, we turn "on."

"On" is that appearance that we are funny, sociable, charismatic, and all other positive traits type of person.   One of my favorite people I hang out with from time to time was one time crying to me and talking about some serious matter.   We are great friends and we can be whatever we want to be in front of each other.  No bullshit.  No judgement.   She was in mid story of telling me the things she is going through tears barely being held behind her eyes and then a mutual friend comes and sits with us.  Without a hesitation and a blink of an eye,  she turn "on."  Nothing is wrong and we are all shits and giggles.   

What I am trying to say is we are fake  ... at times.  We are living our instagram lives and showing the world how well we eat, how good our jobs are, and how happy we are in our relationships.   When you find someone you can be off with and be yourself, stick to them.   It is hard to find someone you can be yourself with.   To show hurt and vulnerability and to let them in and say nothing is really okay but I know we will all get there.

To be known is to be loved.  Thank you.  Thank you for being in my life.  

Have you guys ever played Blackjack? Novices at the game ask what to do when they have a certain hand and the dealer has another. Do I hit on 16?  What am I suppose to do?   The game is statistically solvable and outside of counting cards the above chart is the best options for you in every scenario of the game.   

My friends today went to Matrix in San Jose.  It is a pretty nice new casino in the area.  Lots of pretty waitresses and I guess my friends were bored. I don't gamble much.   My cousin's friend had 11 and the dealer was showing ten.  I told him that he was suppose to double down, but he would not listen.  I told him that statistically speaking he will come up in the long run and the books says double.   He reluctantly doubles and shows a 3.   He loses his hand and another bet, when the dealer shows 18.   

He was upset with me that I told him that he should hit.  He said he has a choice and I told him you can choose to hit on 21 if you want too, but that isn't what you are supposed to do.   

Later on my cousin has 15 and the dealer is showing a 10.  He chooses to be a rebel and the dealer reveals a 2 in the hole card and hits and busts with a ten.   

I learned something.   You can do the right things and you can still lose and you can do the wrong things and you can win.  

I am reminded of the story of Joseph in the bible.  Joseph was one of 12 brothers and early on in his life he always had dreams of grandeur for himself.  He would tell his brothers that he would one day reign over all of them and they would bow to him one day.   He would have these dreams and his brothers hated him so much that they plotted to kill him.  Can you believe that? They wanted to kill their own brother.

They had mercy on him and decided to just sell him into slavery.   So you can imagine being a slave you could just complain all day and tell your slavemaster that this as all a mistake, but he stayed a slave and when the housemaster wife wanted to sleep with him he told her it would be wrong.   She then told the slavemaster that Joseph tried to rape her and then he is thrown in jail.  He stays in jails for years, but long story short he finally starts to rise and becomes Vizier of Egypt,  the Pharoah's right hand man.   Through all this he is still happy and when his brothers come to him and bow before him for wheat during a 7 year famine, he welcomes them freely and tells them to bring their father who has missed him dearly.

Doing the right thing is hard and especially if you see others doing the wrong things and getting away with it.  Your character is being built every day and if you can be sold for a million dollars you can be sold for one dollar.   You can be bought in essence.   I gotta keep remind myself to do the right things again and again, and my day will come.    Life isn't about wanting things when it is not your time.  All good things come to those who wait ... hustle and continue to do the right things.  There will be no anxiousness in my heart.   I have faith that good things are unfolding.   I will not covet what others have which in my eyes they have done much less for. I do not know their story. I will not seek what does not belong to me.  What you eat does not make me shit.   

One day at a time. Come at me bro! Hit me!

I think I found my next blogging site.  

https://medium.com/about/9e53ca408c48

Has anyone heard of Medium?  I think I like it more than Quora and WordPress.

Your thoughts?

"It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... And one fine morning —
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

I finally watched the Great Gatsby and you all are right.  I wouldn't want to be him.   You can not have the world in your hands and expect things to end well.   I haven't talked with many others about the film and I did not enjoy the ending.  It spiraled so devastatingly wrong so quickly.   Gatsby takes the blame for hitting Myrtle when it was Daisy, Tom tells Myrtle's husband it was Gatsby that killed her and probably was the other man too,  Gatsby gets shot and dies, and no one attends his funeral.  My friend Gloria tells me that the ending is fine.   She says sometimes when bad things happen they happen fast and they spiral.   That makes sense to me.  We celebrate people's  quick rise to success or fortune, but we do not focus on the other end of the spectrum.   I guess I loved Gatsby too much.

Gatsby could have had some things, but he could not have it all.   He wanted the world and he believed like the American Dream if one works hard enough, then one can gain anything.    The thing here  is he was not able to attain Daisy, or at least attain her in the way he wanted.   He wanted her to tell Tom, her husband of 5 years, that she never loved him.   Gatsby couldn't take Daisy's plea to "run away together."  Gatsby wanted all of her here in this city, with all he had attained, worked, and toiled for her.   And in this scene in the movie at the hotel room is where Gatsby loses her.   

It reminded me of the scene from Closer.  Closer is also one of my favorite movies.  I believe the affairs of love are never Single Girl meets Single Boy, date, and are happy.   I feel like in the real world people are always connected to someone.  Courted or being courted in one way or another.  An old lover that we still hang out with.  A friend waiting in the wings.  Maybe it is just my world.   There is a scene in the movie at the very end, where Alice loves Dan.  She does, but Dan just has to know if Alice slept with Larry.   And then... 

ALICE: I don't love you anymore.
DAN: Since when?
ALICE: Now. Just now. I don't want to lie. Can't tell the truth, so it's over.
DAN: It doesn't matter. I love you. None of it matters.
ALICE: Too late. I don't love you anymore. Goodbye.

Just like that.  It ends.  And this scene has always stuck with me.  He loved her, but he wanted to know, but there was something about him wanting to know made this girl who has been madly in love with him just stop loving him like that.   Dan wanted too much and so did Gatsby.

Gatsby wanted it all and that was probably what pushed him to such grandeur in the first place, but I guess there are limitations on how fast we can run and how far our arms can stretch.  Maybe he never could have had Daisy in any timeline of his life.  He lost her in the past and he lost her in the present.   His hope drove him, but there is nothing more cruel in this world than false hope, besides maybe cooked rice stuck to the bottom of your socks at a family party.  Daisy with her whimsical, charismatic nature was able to supply enough false hope to probably ever guy in the ballroom. 

I am reminded that you can't have everything, but you can have anything you want if you are willing to pay the price.   But even with his life,  he was not able to attain his dreams with what he believed was the love of his life.   Daisy didn't want him in the way Gatsby wanted her.  

There are times when you can't have it all.  He had the world in his pocket and still was empty inside.  

Poor Gatsby. 

I used to tell people selfishly that the moment I died I would want the sun to explode. I would want to see the sun explode off in the distance as I lay there dying.  Maybe I would want to be enveloped by whatever shards,  rocks, or molten lava is able to make its way to earth scorching my body and having the whole world be destroyed as one.  

My ego-centrism runs deep and my thought that when I close my eyes, I can't see you which means you can't see me of a child has stayed with me in many ways.  These thoughts though have been timely as Xanga is imploding of sorts.  I guess I got my wish as I have been deciding to leave for some time.  

Even if it continues to live on through some paid site,  I have no plans to pay 48 dollars for a wordpress account I could get for free.   And do not think I do not love this site and its people and community. 

People say one of the things they regret is not spending enough time with their loved ones.  I for one have made a conscious effort to connect to many of you on Xanga.  I have been privileged to meet many of you and many of you are my Xanga Zombie friends, Facebook friends, in real life friends,  and drinking friends even.   We have connected.  In essence, I have lived a life worth living on the Xanga world.

Sure, I have many goals that I have not completed yet.  Sleep with PT, Wonderland, and yes even Wuwu you sexy guy you.   But PT and Wonderland are fb friends of mine now so the game carries on.   

Lame jokes aside,  some of you have remained secretive over the years hiding your true identities and I wish to connect with you via any other social means.  

My new blog can be found here. www.chadkimthebeekeeper.wordpress.com
My FB is www.facebook.com/davidchau
My instagram is http://instagram.com/davidchau23

Find me there if you want to continue to keep in touch.   I love you guys and you guys have inspired me to become a better writer and push further in my career.  You have been there for me for when I broke hearts even though I was a jerk.  You have been there for me when my heart was broken.   

Leave a comment.  Let me know where your next blog will be.  Lets all hop onto wordpress and make things easier.   

And if this is it. Then I want you to know that I cherished every bit you gave to the community.   But its alright.  Time to turn a new leaf.

Nothing gold can stay.  

Love never dies. It just takes on another form. 

Tell me why. I been throwing away clothes i bought over the years and I still feel clustered.  I seriously have 25 pairs of jeans.  100 shirts.   10 dress pants and 25 dress shirts.   Ridiculous.  

I am adopting a "sell everything and travel philosophy."  I got rid of some of my old vintages video games.  Surprising my Super Nintendo games have brought me close to $300.   I am currently selling all my dvds and cds as well.  What I can't sell I will most likely donate.    I am having a yard sale and just getting rid of everything.  It will probably be a series of yard sales.  Getting rid of things.  Selling Clothes.   Minimizing.  

Just shifting my lifestyle.  Its a good thing.   Focusing on the needs instead of the wants.  Chasing the right things once again.  

Hope you guys are doing well.  

It's difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart. I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death. I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too, I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that this cruelty too shall end, and that peace & tranquility will return once again. - Anne Frank

Just finished reading the article on the man who kidnapped the 3 women and raped them repeatedly across ten years.  The whole story is despicable, but how he forced miscarriages upon one of these women through starvation and beating broke me.   My soul hurts.  But this man is human and I do not want to distance myself from the reality of the world and what we are all to some extent capable of given the right conditions.   I know that statement is not one many people will agree with, but people have always agreed with the other spectrum.   P Diddy once said in an interview that if he was like Bill Gates who had parents that had the first access to computers, he could have been the next Bill Gates too.  Being surrounded in the right context affords us opportunities to the three racks of high society.   But the other spectrum,  the-have-nots live lives whose morals, ethics, and even humanity we question.  We sit here on our high thrones saying I would never do that.  

Tupac once said, "I never committed a crime I didn't have to."   The conditions of his living forced him to do what he could to get by.   Where somehow along the way, you justify that it is okay to enslave children into warfare, to sell daughters to brothels, and to simply hurt people.  

If it were me and I was in the Dark Knight movie,  I would probably be the first to push the button to blow up the other ferry filled with prisoners and deadbeats.  We live in a world of pain and I think the pain of the world is surfacing more and more or maybe I have just become more aware of it.  

We all need heroes.  I believe Anne Frank is as much of a hero as Bruce Willis was.  I wonder though if Anne had the ability to continue to write as she was in the concentration camps and watched first hand the horror of the massacres, would she still be able to say that despite everything, that people are truly good at heart?  Do you think one of those 3 women can say that?  Do they believe?  

I hope so.  

My boy calls me in the middle of my work day today and tells me he got laid!  I smile. I am so excited for him.  See my boy here is not the type to lay any girl.  He just doesn't do it. God knows why cuz he has a sea of girls swimming around him at all times.   He is the type of guy you always bring up as a mutual friend because you know he is likeable and he has not broken any hearts.  Great friend to have.  He has had the LONGEST dry spell ever, and he says its by choice, and for him I actually believe.   Let's take a moment and clap it up for my boy! #myboysdowork

Dating in your mid to late 20's is another game.   In college,  you could go to the bar, go back to the frat house,  have sex with a girl,  and walk her home all on the same block.  I loved it.   There were nights in college where I would come home late at night and just take detour as I am walking home, text a girl ";)", she would text back ":)", and it was on like donkey kong that night.   Alright I was never that awesome, but it was something along those lines.  Let's not ruin a good story with the facts.  

Now we have work schedules.   We live in all different areas.  Do we get a hotel in SF?  Getting laid takes planning!  

I have a female friend that I love love love.  She was once and avid blogger on xanga and she is always rooting me on and asking me how many girls have I been laying.   She is like my cheerleader for sex.    I ask her why does she root for me, which she responds "everyone should be happy especially you."   I get all bubbly inside. Love this chick! 

Even for my homegirls now, when they go through dry spells I root for them too.  

I guess this is a part of growing up.   Not pretending we are the saints we make ourselves out to be.   

Lets root one another on.  And of course for good sex only!  Rather have no sex than shitty sex.  

Have you gotten laid recently?  How long has your dry spell been?