And in that moment you realize how life really does not go from A to B.  

And circumstances really do compound.

And how you thought one person would never be in your life is back again.

And one who you thought you could see through the end of days is no longer there.

And then you marvel at it.

Life is beautiful.  

Merry Christmas Everyone! Can you believe how much life is changing from year to year? We are growing so much and we are experiencing things this year that we never thought we would. It is funny how the life goes full circle sometimes, but I am thankful for everyone in my life that has come through or is still with me today. People change. We change. So blessed to be here still. Breathing and enjoying life. Thank you for all those who have stood by me over the years. Thank you for all who have championed me here today. Thank you for all the great experiences we will share to come. This Christmas I know I have everything I want. Better things will come, but today is still very amazing. I wish you all the best. May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows. Merry Christmas. See you all in 2013. I hear next year is going to be freakin' amazing for us.

Problem:

I once read this book,  called One Minute Manager. In the book, it delineates three simple things a good manager should do.

1) One Minute Goals- There is a simplicity when your manager puts your goals clearly in front of you or when you put your goals in front of yourself.  The simplicity that you can read and understand your goal makes it that much more clear.  I have no clear goals here.

2) One Minute Reprimand- My boss does not speak to me about anything and if he does,  he puts complete blame on me although there was no clear direction or oversight on his part on anything that is done.  I realize more can always be done on my part and trust me when I say I am doing more.

3) One Minute Praise- Also, there is no effing appreciation at this job.  None whatsoever.  For all the work and hours you put in, no one will tell you you are doing a great job or that your work contributes to anything.  No one gets it.   

Solution:

Once a problem is understood, you have to look at it from two ways.   Can I bear it or do I want this to change?   

1) Bearing it - One of my favorite stories ever can be found here Farmer John and the Dog.   And the question I ask myself is does it hurt enough.  And to be truthful, no it does not.   The situation I am in does not hurt enough, but it is annoying me greatly.  I do not like to be a person that bitches and I do not like to be a person that goes around being unhappy around others.  My stress is high and my appreciation for my work is low.

2) Change -  Okay, I lied. Damn it is hard.  But I know I will have to.  I have about 13 days off in 4 days where I will have time to clean up my resume and apply to the market.  My current plans are.

1. Find job as program manager at sales company
2. Find job as sales dev or lead
3. Find job as consultant
4. Find job as waiter and middle school tutor

Option 4 for me sounds the best and that is because I want to run away.  I truly want to rest and breathe and do something so easy and natural to me.  My friend calls me a little bitch and copping out finding something the world deems as altruistic, but they are only in it because they couldn't find a real job in the industry they wish.  Point taken. Option 3 is the scariest and I hear no one likes their job as a consultant, but I feel that would be good experience for me.  Jobs 1 and 2 are basically the same shit I am doing now, but hopefully for a company I enjoy or an industry I am looking to further my career in. 

Reflection:

Fuck you.  Yes you the person that thinks their life is figured out.   Life is hard.  Damn mother-effing hard.   Life never goes straight from A to B and very few of us know what we are doing.  For those of you that actually are in the pursuit of your hopes and dreams, thank you.  Thank you for risking it and showing the rest of us 9 to 5'ers that life can be pursued.   Others of us, me included, are delusional and are hoping for that muse to speak or that next step to appear so we may move forward.

I am not one about waiting for things to come.  If you have followed me for at least a year, you would realize that I am all about hustling and working towards the top.   I definitely very much still believe in this.   I am, however, realizing that we can not always gauge life by our progress, but rather by our process.  We are constantly being taught to count awards, laurels, and accolades, but real grown up life is not about the next step.   

So often we want to be in a relationship and get married just so we feel that that is our next step to feel accomplished.  But I am going to tell you something,  some relationships fucking suck.   Some marriages suck.  We stay in them because we are scared of change or we don't feel like we can do better or we hope that things will get better.  I have been there.  But I have realized, it is not about what stage you are in life, but how you are performing at each stage.  The trajectory of things to come even.   And it does not matter if you make it now or ten years from now, it is just about making it.  

So here I am.   26.   Single.  Working for a 6 Billion dollar company.  Managing projects that are worth 60 million a piece.   Controlling the production flow of factories worldwide.  

At the end of the day, if it does not mean shit to you, then it is worthless.   So we can all continue to move forward, but at the end of the day we will have to answer to ourselves.  Did we live a life worth living?  

TL;DR:

I have lost my passion in most things and am on the hunt to find it again.   Many things will have to change including my current occupation.

Everything you have gone through in life has brought you to this moment in time, with this set of skills, this set of values, and this set of beliefs and ambition.   I do not know where I am going, but if I dedicate myself to the decision I make. I know I will go far in that direction.   I guess that decision will be coming soon.   I will commit to a choice.  I will choose a cookie.  Any cookie. They are all pretty decent cookies.   

@apieceofthesky #lifeishard #bloggingforme #onmyway 

It really isn't a fair statement to say to someone that is still on xanga or newly onto xanga.  

It would be similar to telling me that the food I am eating now at my favorite restaurant use to be 100 times better.   

It just doesn't make me feel good.  

I have been on xanga for quite some time now, and I have been heavily involved for about 5 years now.  I have had my fair share of xanga meets, late night camming on zombies day after day, bunchedup.tv, and even had a couple of could have been moments with a couple of xangans.  

But these are the statements, I have heard from time to time when I meet up with the OG's:

"I used to blog when Michelle Phan and that guy from WongFu use to blog."
"I used to blog when there were hella fine azn bitches everywhere you can meet up with."
"All the good xangans have left."
"Xanga is dead."

This makes me sad because one I would have love me my aZn females and two if all the good xangans left, why am I still here?  By default, I have to leave just to be considered good.

What makes companies and nations great are its people and I think communities change over time.  To me, I wish I could see the same familiar faces and read the words of my old favorites again and again, but I guess this is a transitional space and if I choose to stay here, I have to continue to make those connections with new people.  

All in all, there are still a good amount of people holding down the fort with good writing and awesome comments to one another.  You know who you are.  Thank you.  

Don't leave me. 

Vy came to visit from Austrailia.  Some of the local Norcal Xangans met up with her.  Good times even though I didn't stay to eat at Boiling Crab.  Had time to snag a picture with these lovely ladies. #luckyguy

Ju1cyXCouture: what are your favorite things to do when you have visitors 

Manbeast: haha drink 
i like to do whatever the tourist wants to. sight see i am down. eat well i am down and drink. that is about it in my book 

Ju1cyXCouture: that sounds perfectttttt

Manbeast: haha so wahtever you want girl 

Ju1cyXCouture: that all sounds right. whats the best time of the year to visit norcal? 

Manbeast: when you are single 

Ju1cyXCouture: lmao. i don't know about single but most likely i'll be flying there alone. i have found traveling alone is so much fun lolll. 

Manbeast: hahaha i kid

We have been friends for 5 years on xanga now. 

There is something amazing about reading the stories of each other for so long.   Real friendships are carved through enduring with one another.   I am very excited to finally meet this long time friend.   

I am the youngest person at my firm.  Being the youngest, every person wants to be a mentor to me.  Maybe its my hard working attitude or the look in my eye that says I want to take on the world.  Whatever it is, it seems I am able to get away with a lot and also everyone is always giving me insight.

Its hard to be young because it seems with age comes wisdom. I am forced to change my appearance and dress and act older.   Recently, I have been noted by two of my managers that I appear over confident.  This would be an amazing persona if I could execute on all my tasks, but the lack of training provided and my recent apathy it is hard to completely be available for every task or project given to me.  I am never one to fail at anything I do, but I am being challenged in my role as I am expected to have an engineering background but do not have one.   No one oversees my work and thus I do the best I can while asking for the advice that is given to me.   

It seems everyone is overworked and there are too many issues to fully invest  in anyone individual so when things fall through the crack it is not only my fault but the fault of the managers around me.   They see they are at fault as well but at the same they rather have me push harder or have someone that can fully perform all job functions with any intercession on their part.  This situation is completely understandable, yet selfish on their part.  

Its hard to say what I would like to with myself these days. I have sales skills, presentation skills, some program management skills, pricing skills, and lots and lots of excel skills.   My friend says I should be a project manager for a sales company.  Maybe a small one where you are more invested, but I have no interest in anything right now.  I hate working.  People say they hate working, but I HATE WORKING! I can not see  myself working for the next 40 years of my life and I do not know how people do it.   

I have been debating about law school.  I am an avid learner and my logic is definitely getting there.  A part of me would be getting it just for the laurels.   It would be a stupid decision on my part.  I would love to get an MBA, but do not know how top tier of a school I can get in with my lack of finance and consulting skills.   

Although I am here questioning life, I know I am entirely blessed that although some of these thoughts may be foolish they are readily available to me.  If I were to pursue any of the handful of choices I have in front of me, I would definitely be able to follow through.

That is the problem when you have the ability to float through life. I have floated for so so long.  What do I want to do?  Where do my passions lie?   

I refuse to settle and be content, but I sit here paralyzed by the analysis that runs through my brain with all the options I think are before me.  Analysis paralysis.  

Life is hard.  It is really really hard.   Everyone is fighting their biggest struggle.   I been in transitions for a while.  Striving and working towards something that I do not know.  The Master Hands sees the story, but I am working through the pages.  I know the end will be sweet.  I am working my way through the chapter.  I need a break.   I need to pause.   God is good.  Christmas is coming.   There will be time to reflect.  Time to breathe.  

I am only 26.  Life is only truly beginning for me.   Come what may.  

One of my best female friends wrote this on my wall:

5 reasons why I ♥ you:
5. you never gossip for gossip's sake and you never talk shit about anyone, esp. not about your ex's
4. you push people, including me, to be the best that they can be, because you'll accept nothing less from them
3. you invest, and I mean, really invest, wholeheartedly invest, in the people you care about, to build the relationships you treasure
2. your faith is important to you and you share it with others, but you also respect that not everyone has the same beliefs as you
1. you're constantly trying to improve yourself in every way possible. you're never complacent or entirely pleased with yourself because you know you're capable of more.