I want to know you. Every part and piece of you. I want to roll around in the depths of your soul.  

There are moments when I am completely destroyed and I reach out to call someone, anyone that will lend a ear and help pull my heart out of the trenches.  

Other times I am flying on cloud 9 and I want to call you and just shout in happiness and you would just know to shout right back! Knowing that what you hear through the phone lines is not fear but pure excitement.

No matter how close we try to be,  the people around us will only know us to a certain degree.  And that degree whatever it is for you, it is not enough for me.

I want to be fully known ... even to the number of hairs on my head.

There is a void in my heart that He is making transparent.   My cup can only be filled once I remove the filth in it which I have foolishly mistaken as liquid gold.  

Edging ever so closer.  God is good.

Got pass another Round 1 group interview.  Two round 2's this week.   Not my will, but Yours be done.  Resonate with me.

Its a skill really to float on by through life just above the status quo of society.  

I can truly say I have never fully applied myself in anything.   I have maybe for short bursts of time, but never for a long enough period of time where I can sit back and be proud of the fruits of my labor.  I believe very few of us can say we actually apply ourselves 100% or even 70%.  And if you can, please teach me. Mentor me. 

Fear is setting in as I am working to apply myself.  Validation is set forth by how much I am worth in society.  How much a company is willing to pay me in essence.  

Lets see all this charisma and friend making in action.  This is the beginning.  It has to be.   Even I am tired of hearing my own bullshit.  

"You’re not going to do this forever. There’s a finite amount of time you’re going to be doing this. Do this really, really well. And if you do this really, really well, everybody will see that, and they’ll move you onto the next thing. And you do that well, and then you’ll move."

My short lived acting career. 

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=581918668173

Inspired by this. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need 
You're everything, everything 

"Why can't he and I just be friends?" she says.

"Because it hurts your ex-bf too much to be friends with you and he has a girlfriend now," I say.

"Well life would be simpler if we could be friends."

"Have you ever thought you are the one that makes it complicated, because you are the one trying to be friends with him and he doesn't want it?"

"Didn't you say you would be more agreeable so things could be simpler?"

"I forgot. You are right.  Why do I argue with you?"

"Yes,  like I said things would be simpler if we could all be friends."

"Agreed."

If we stop figuring out where everything stands, where our relationships are categorized, and what this all means we might just have some time for some fun.  But black and white is safe and boring, while shades of grey are dangerous.   I am happy if you are happy. Life is simpler that way. 

And who is going to argue with always staying friends? 

What do you value in a friendship? 

• Trusting
• Loyal
• Accepting
• Witty and Charming
• Well Connected
• Respectful and Loving
• Strong Character
• Successful and Driven
• Good Looking 
• Not Cheap
• Not Shady
• Social

There are many things we look to find in the friendships that we make and with my recent best friend Wenjie leaving to China for a year, I have a lack to fill in my life.   In short, I am accepting applications.  

It may sound ridiculous, but none of my relationships are happenstance.  I am very intentional with who I bring into my life because whoever I do bring into my life becomes interwoven into all other facets of my life: family, friends, and everything else. 

This brings me to the most important thing that I value in friendships.  Of course, there needs to be trust, loyalty, and the ability to be yourself.  I find these things are easier to find than the last thing I value the most.  I value people that are willing to integrate you into every part of their life.  This is not to say they have to, but they are more than willing.   

What does this mean?

• They are willing to invite you to their family parties
• They are willing to invite you to their functions with their other group of friends
• They let you know the name of the people they are talking about in their stories, and do not simply dismiss the fact that you do not know them. 
• They are willing to invite you to random events they may be in or clubs they are a part of

Why do I value this over everything else?  I think its a big risk to introduce someone to your other groups of friends.  Its a risk because now they are even more connected with you and the friendship becomes even more complex.  Secondly, I believe there is value in connecting your friends and not hoarding them.   There are some people that take from friendships more than they give and connections is definitely something of value.   

I know I am the "connector" type, but I believe as friendships grow, relationships get more and more interwoven.  To me it is similar to having a girlfriend.  You introduce her to your family and groups of friends.   A best friend or a high quality friend is similar in my book.   

What do you value in a friendship the most?

‎"To attract attractive people, you must be attractive. To attract powerful people, you must be powerful. To attract committed people, you must be committed. Instead of going to work on them, you go to work on yourself. If you become, you can attract." -- Jim Rohn

This is a quote from one of my favorite personal development speakers and over the years, I have been working to become awesome -- attracting some pretty awesome people and awesome opportunities along the way.  

Case #1: You remember this girl right?

It is when some of your favorites all blog on the same day.  :)   

I ran across a blog of a guy who paid off 90K in school loans in under one year.  I am reading through it and a lot of his shit is impractical because to me because I do not make 100 K a year. I don't have a house where I can rent out 2 bedrooms and I don't normally spend 1300 hundred on entertainment a month.  I am going to devise my own plan to get out of debt, but I am seeing if there is any smart things he did that I can also do.   The blog is helping me churn my head and think of ways to save money or make money.  

There is one part I really liked from his blog that I can resonate with:

"At Harvard Business School (HBS), there’s this thing called “Fear of Missing Out,” or FOMO. There’s so much to do at HBS that nobody can possibly do it all. Every evening, an email called the MBA Event Calendar Daily Digest is sent out that lists the next day’s events, and it’s always chock-full of things to do. Multiple high-profile speaking engagements coincide with each other so that students have to make the tough decision of whom to go see. Then there are the balls, dinners, section drinks, bar nights, weekend trips, games, workshops, club meetings, club events, treks, and of course, company presentations and interviewing prep sessions. So students develop FOMO, and they go crazy trying to fit everything in because they realize how rich their experience at HBS could be and how important it is to leverage these opportunities that might never, ever come around again. And because the school is full of a bunch of overachievers, mostly everyone feels compelled to read the cases and at least do a high-level analysis of the case questions to prep for class the next day. FOMO typically results in a lack of sleep.

What my own personal FOMO over the past eight months has resulted in is a lack of savings and the lack of a serious and committed debt pay-down plan. I know that my single years are slowly coming to an end–one only has to look at the calendar to realize it’ll soon be time for me to start taking dating seriously again. I look at my friends, and I realize that their single years are coming to an end, too–a few have already retired their jerseys, and we hardly ever see them again. One day there’s Sean taking down shots, the next day he’s married and nowhere to be found. So during the past eight months, even when I was exhausted and had no desire to go out, I went out anyway. I don’t want to miss out on these single times. I have FOMO."

I have FOMO for sure in a lot of the things I choose to do.  

My parents have been telling me since high school, that my friends are worthless and that I should focus on my significant other, my career, and family. 

It is not that I have bad friends.   My friends are actually pretty high caliber people in terms of career goals and how they are there for me.  They are speaking from experience and they say as you move forward all your friends will have their own careers and families to take care of and they will disappear.  

To say I value people is an understatement.  I put so much hope in people that it has been my downfall on many occasions.  My mother has told me I am a fool because I believe people are as caring and good-natured as I am.   This has been proven false on many occasions, but I do believe the good that I have set in motion and that has been returned to me far outweighs the evil, the silliness, and all the things that have been taken from me thus far.  

I am starting to see the split though.  My friends are starting to focus on their career more and their significant others and soon to be families.   

"When everything in your life is in disarray, your friends will leave you. Your family will always be there for you. They have no choice.  I am your mom.  I can't just leave you." -Mama Chau

And this statement is true.  Blood is thicker than water. I will agree, but is their hope.  Are there people out there that you can call friends that will be there for you in the midst of your sometimes self-destruction?   Will they be there for you when they have their own family and a new found set of priorities?  

I don't like making bad investments. I don't like losing out.  Maybe I should just focus on a few people  rather than cast such a wide net attempting to be deep and engaged with all of them.   I should move my list of groomsmen from 12 to maybe 7.  

Who am I kidding? I am hopeless. I will still try to find other high quality people that will be there for you like a real brother or sister.   

Its funny though. I have been a groomsmen for two guys now and once a best man and I hardly ever see those guys.   
The new plan.  Making millions. Live like entourage without the sex, alcohol, and craziness.  Keep the constant friendships and good times. 

Sometimes life feels like a bad dream and you are just wishing you could wake up and it will all be okay again.