You`re falling out of touch
and you're barely there
keeping up with the rush
just to go nowhere
we've lost our way, lost our way 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utnaGORVuao

And it happens, I let the go of the wheel

I place my hands on the ceiling of the car watching her watching me

Her excitement raises and turns into fear

5 seconds feel like 15 minutes as the vehicle veers onto the shoulder

I watch her in excitement seeing the anticipation and fear in her eyes

Another 4 Seconds passes and we are about be on the road of the dirt

I am seeing if she will put her hand on the wheel and try to push the car back onto the road

1 more second passes and I grab the wheel and jerk it back onto the road

The car tilts back and forth as it finds it equilibrium again

"What the fuck was that?"

"I thought you would grab the wheel."

"What the FUCK! Don't you ever do that again.  I am reckless with a lot of things, but I value my life.  Never put me in a situation like that ever again or we will never be friends again."

"Have you seen the movie Fight Club?"

"No I have not!  David,  don't be an idiot! You could have had us killed."

Silence ensues.  I look back at my friend in the back seat after I drop her off.  He is smiling.  He knew me and he knew I wouldn't let it go too far.  He was smiling the whole way.  

And I keep telling her to watch Fight Club.  Maybe then she will understand. 

Sometimes you just want to be reminded you are alive.  Sometimes you just need to let go.

Jump and the net will appear. Maybe one day I will let go, but not with her in the car.  She isn't ready to jump.  Am I?

Gon Out Backson Bisy Backson

"Let’s put it this way: if you want to be healthy, relaxed, and contented, just watch what a Bisy Backson does and then do the opposite.

The main problem with this great obsession for saving time is very simple: you can’t save time. you can only spend it. but you can spend it wisely or foolishly. the bisy backson [busy, back soon] has practically no time at all, because he’s too busy wasting it by trying to save it. and by trying to save every bit of it, he ends up wasting the whole thing.

Always going somewhere....Anywhere but where he is." 

Dalai Lama echos this:

"...And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;
the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;
he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

These thoughts remind me to stay grounded and remember what truly matters.  Even though I am always striving and moving forward, I will never be too busy for family, friends, and loved ones.

It is one of my favorite books.  Have you read it?

Yoga is something I really really enjoy.   The peace and pain it brings me is what I enjoy.   I love that it pushes me to be more flexible and stronger, but I know sometimes I have to hurt and push my limit to get there.  I am usually pretty decent and push myself all the way through, but today was a rough day.  The poses were held for long periods of time and it focused on leg strength, a part of the body I fail to work as much like most guys.  I felt my knees buckling and shaking and I hated it. Usually, I focus on something else. I focus on my breathing, four seconds in *breathe* and four seconds out.   

Today was a bit different.  I focused on my weakness. I knew my legs are weak and I failed by acknowledging it.  I allowed myself to be weak.   Next, I started focusing on the pain.  It hurt so much.  I lost sight of why I was doing this. I wanted to become more flexible. I wanted to have a stronger core and a more balanced body.  This is the only cardio I do all week anyways.   Nonetheless, I gave up and I let myself fall to the side.  The problem was the moment I tried to get back into it, my body kept failing.  I had created an opening, a weakness that my body so readily and happily enjoyed.  They spirit is willing but the body is weak.

I believe relationships are the same.  Sometimes things with your significant other is picture perfect and you are growing with one another, complementing and grooving. There are struggles, but you work through them and you continue to grow.   You have an idea of the person you want to become with them along your side.  There is a goal or a vision that you see for the two of you.  Sometimes its simply marriage, and for others its measurements of success, a certain size house maybe or number of travels a year.  Getting yourself there with this other person would delight your entire essence.  But with all stories and situations where two people with their own inadequacies and short comings are brought together, there may be some problems that are harder than others.  Given the right timing of these problems we may even want to give up. 

In yoga as in life, when you give up its a choice.  You tell yourself what you are going through now is not worth the pain you are going through.  This could be for a job, a tennis match, or anything.   The difference I see in a relationship though, is when one side gives up, you just hope the other person you have been running the race with is willing to hold on and pick you up.  They are there for you when you were too weak to carry on.  Both people give their best all the time. Sometimes one person will be pushing harder than the other, but thats okay.    And sometimes I won't be able to give it my all, and I hope the person I love and am holding can hold me up in the moments I am weak and want to give up.  Because what we are working on is more than the current moment.  We are working for something greater.  

I stood there focusing on the sweat that was running down my face and my knees that were crying for mercy. My body lies to itself.  It tells me I am too weak to get through this.  It tells me that I do not really want better health anyways.  It tells me I can make up for it next week.   If its abs I want, I can just eat less in a later meal.   These lies compound on one another.   I drop again and again.  The work out is over.  I could have endured.

Time to get into Savasana, the corpse pose.  I lay there still and allow my body to regenerate as I meditate on the lessons yoga has taught me today.  

How will I view my challenges?  How can I prepare myself to never to give up? 

If what you want is worth it, never give up.

Our names on the list was at the bottom of the second page.  We should have known better to come to one of the best known Ramen spots in the area at such a late hour. The waiter calls out the name Far for the second time.

"Hurry say you are Far so we can sit down."
     "No fool. All these people have been here waiting. I am a lot of things, but I am not rude."

I look at the list of names coming up.  Jenny, Betsy, and Loan.  

     "There are 3 girl names coming up.  If any of these three names come up, you are up to bat."
"No. Those are white girls name.  They will know."
     "Look around.  There is no white people here.  These are Asian girl names."
"Whatever Far."

We usually grab a snack after yoga class on Tuesdays and head back to the gym to rock climb, but it was something about the Moon Yoga poses we did that day that left our souls more calm.  We didn't want to struggle.  

Back in high school in the tenth grade, I had asked her if we would be friends after we graduated.  She responded that she didn't know.  At the time, she meant it and I was a bit thrown off because we had been friends since we were babies.  Our parents were friends and therefore we became friends.  Ten years have passed since then

Within my ever-changing mind of goals and aspirations, the flurry of people that come and go into my life over the years, and the heartbreaks and shortcomings, she is one of my constants.  Our friendship is unconditional.  There is no judgment. No expectations.  No worldly pressures.  
26 years of friendship and counting!

My weekend was crazy fun.   SF, Food adventures, Vietnamese Weddings,  Remy VSOP,  Dancing, more food adventures.

I am realizing how much I crave attention and need to work on curbing my appetite.

Making new friends is tiring.  You never know when you should reveal yourself further or not.  People always say they dont like playing games, but the game of timing should never be underestimated.

Work is picking up and things are going well.  More news soon hopefully.

I can see why people get dogs.  Selfless creatures who have mastered the art of showing affection.   

Imagine for a second you are a celestial body.  This may not be far from the truth since it has been said that the same particles that make up our bodies came from the stars.   Now, imagine you encounter another celestial body of equal mass.   The two of you start spinning around each other for millenniums taking and absorbing parts of one another until ultimately colliding into one.  I believe this is the image of true love.

The mass we have is the weight of our character/ambition/personality/virtues/caliber.   The goal is to find another person with equal mass that we may fully learn to enjoy and discover over our lifetimes.  This not only keeps us interested, but it allows two celestial bodies forming a new one as two souls uniting to becoming one rather than one body absorbing another.

This happens when someone with more mass encounters someone with a lot less mass.  There is no slow spinning or dancing, but rather one celestial body gets absorbed by the other and the larger body overwhelms the lesser body  with its virtues and ambitions.  Worst yet, some bodies get absorbed without the larger body even wanting it.  The larger body has taken into the smaller body, but does not care for it whatsoever and yet the smaller celestial body has given up everything, its essence and soul.  

I was talking to a friend who I consider is high caliber and she is able to have other people give up large parts of themselves to her and yet she becomes unchanged by their presence in her life.   The guys however move forward in life being forever changed by her and continue to look back and reflect on the moments they had with her as if they could have figured out those moments, they are unlocking a piece of themselves.  

The truth is she was never looking for someone to give themselves up to her.  She as well as all of us were looking for someone to unravel with slowly until the end of our lives.  

A quick blog before I attack my work.  

Phases.  When things are hard, we are taught that all things will only last for a short time and the pain will eventually subside.  I love this thought and in yoga the teacher always reminds us of this.  She correlates a ridiculous move she has us doing for 2 minutes to how we struggle in life and how eventually after its done we feel good and we know we have endured and even some have conquered.  

I was listening to the radio and Usher was on singing "cuz we in too deep, cant imagine giving it up.  But I never knew love, would hurt like a heart attack."  Something like that.   And it occurred to me that Usher is singing the same songs I been hearing since high school.  Its true that all things do past, but I believe if you continue to do the same mistakes over and over again you will be trapped in a phase you might not want to be.   Hearing about Usher's life through the radio and all his illegitimate children and from what he writes on, it makes me think that he is more or less the same guy I knew that sang confessions 9 years or so back.  I dont know the guy personally though so I can not say.  

And it makes sense right.   Although each trial by fire can only be so long,  there is nothing to say about how long we hurt if we keep walking into the same fire.   My eloquence is lacking this morning so I apologize.  

I guess what I am saying is phases can becomes seasons and these seasons can bring on more suffering than need be.  

Walk away, heard them say
Poisoned hearts will never change
Walk away again

Find rest my soul in you alone...

Life is a struggle.  It simple is and there are no ways to avoid the up and down rollercoaster of struggles and emotions that we face day in and day out.

I count myself as lucky to have great people to support me and hold me up and I guess I am one of the type of guys that people are able to rest in.

What I mean by that is that we constantly wear masks day in and day out  pretending like everything is okay, but there are only a few people that we have in our lives where we can be ourselves and show weakness to.  To show that everything going on right now although how pretty it is is not okay.  That life fucken sucks and we want so much more.  That the situations that this girl or guy has put us in is not fucking okay. That although our job looks chill some days you want to just kick your bosses face in and say fuck you, you cant fucking treat me like that.  

As you know, I try to be as politically correct as possible, but the emphasis of the word fawk will hopefully illuminate how sometimes things are not going right and how much we bottle it in at times.  

I am glad for Jesus.  Honestly, as stupid as that sounds.  I am so glad for Jesus.  He takes my burdens and weaknesses and allows me to be me.  I know it sounds pathetic, but honestly I think that is the truth of the gospel.  I am pathetic and need a God who accepts me for me.   I am childish, stupid, and selfish and yet He takes these ugly things and accepts me.  

And my friends come to me and they bring their burdens and their struggle and let them know they dont have to apologize.  I accept for who they are because I have learned what its like to weak and yet accepted.   Maybe that is my magic and charm.   I have learned to be real I guess.  

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ... For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”