"I can't invite another guy over to my house and shake his hand and not know if he has fucked my girlfriend. If I was that guy, I would be thinking to myself that I have one - upped this chump.  He does not even know that I slept with his girlfriend.  I have to know."

I had this conversation with another friend. And I am not surprised that Van has done her due diligence and has read all of her current Fiance's facebook messages  and has pretty much screened the friends he may have in his life.  It is not that she has stopped him from hanging out with old female friends, but she has voiced her feelings about them and Won has been able to keep her happy.

And maybe I am the silly one that wants to hold onto old friendships and continue to indulge in the things of the past.  Maybe it is me who is too sentimental for my own good.   My thought process is there are very few good people in the world.  Not good in the sense of a good person, but I am talking about people that are ten times the friend than any other friend.  These are the people that go above and beyond for you and the people you can always count on.  These 10x friends more often than not were the what ifs and could-have-beens.  

"Because at one point in your life you thought this girl was good enough to be your girlfriend, best friend, or had the potential of being  your wife.  Why lose that and the years you have learned from each other and give it all up so your significant other can know if you dated or not?"

But we want to be honest with the ones we love and we want to let them know who we dated,  who we once flirted with, and who we have had more than a cuddle with. This information comes at a cost, because things will  never be the same.   We won't be able to invite these people over and these friends, because our current lover would not want to see the face of the person that we once were intimate with.  And they would never want to see the face of the person that holds us so dear in the world and you the same to them.   And no laugh will be exchanged between the once girl of your dreams to the new girl you are entering a new life with.

I am silly.  And maybe I don't like the idea of wasting time or losing out on all those years with my female friends.  And maybe I am not ready to let go or maybe I have dated one too many of my closest female friends.   And maybe its me because every girl in my life is someone I would date if the stars align.  Maybe the line I draw between female best friend and wife are too close.   

There are risks and I am not saying to have every person you have had once in  your life to have them there again.  Some girls and some guys are straight up dangerous and you know that you should not be hanging out with them outside of "group settings."  And I am not unwilling to give up certain friendships, but some things are definitely buried in the pasts and those moments are gone.  But I guess when that new girl comes along, even these things will change and maybe my thoughts on this will change too.  

I don't believe knowing makes us any happier.  I rather not know.  That's just me and my type of crazy.  

Friday night.  Starting to have a thing for tattoos.

Did I tell you that the anthem of the year was dreams?
For a good friend told me that when we were young we would dream of the impossible
and as we got older we have forgotten what it is like to believe in the world
and more importantly believe in ourselves.  That we who are but one
can do immeasurable things if we simply believed and acted on the passions 
and true cares of our souls.  So I will have to apologize in advance for my struggles
because as I push myself into the uncomfortable and my arms begin shake
and my body is about to give, do trust that it is not weakness that you are seeing 
but strength forming.   See, I was born without a silver spoon and yet I have always
always demanded and wanted more from the world.  Where did I get this sense of entitlement?
Lets pretend that it is completely God-given.  That I deserve this moment that it was given to me
for a divine purpose.  That I am not here simply by happenstance but rather this moment  
has and always been mine to claim.  And not for myself as Solomon desired wisdom not for
his own vanity, purpose, and pursuits of world domination, but it was a request so that he may better
be a steward for his people.  And so in this moment, let the suns, moons, stars, and even black holes
align, because there are moments when enough is enough.  When men rise against their circumstance
because they have desired more.  I overlook the audacity of my parents to leave what they have known
risk life, limb, and sea to come to this great country, and I already being here can not even leave my desk.
What fear do we have?  So I will shout it once again as a declaration to hundreds of people I respect on this space
that this is the year of dreams.  We have squandered our dreams of lamborghinis into supped out civics,
we have given up our goals of greek god-like bodies and have settled for the reflections we see before us today,
and we have given up our ideals of changing the world to reposting videos and articles of social change on facebook.
We are the lost generation, No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression.
Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. 
So while the world may vent and give up on the ridiculousness of our pursuits,
It would be more ridiculous living this life unlived.
Two thousand thirteen.  Come at me bro.